Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He shit in the fireplace
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
