She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
