when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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