Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
