What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
