it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
