just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
