News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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