he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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