I'm lost and stupid without you.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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