The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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