pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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