omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
