If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
