it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
