the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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