I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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