I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
