Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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