The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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