Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
