What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
