Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
