Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
