Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
