we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
