saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize