I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
what day is it and did you see me today?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
