She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize