I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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