I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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