Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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