i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
