i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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