i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
