Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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