1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Drake has all the answers
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
