he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
