After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
