apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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