He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
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