She said her name was "party"
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
