Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
