And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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