Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Randomize
