I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
