I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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