On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
