oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
