If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
