I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Randomize
