i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize