My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize