i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
