i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
