i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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