I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
