splinters make it hard to masturbate
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
