Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
