I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Randomize
