brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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